Career aspirations and desperation

I think D has something in the works with his business but I'm not sure. Last night he asked me how the Day Job is treating me and I said "Eh, it's there. It pays the bills." He knows I'm not happy being a desk jockey and that I really want to be in the kitchen, so I think he was testing the waters to see if I'm ready to take the plunge. Then he asked about the husband's job, where he works, is it full time. The poor thing has asked me that at least twice already. I started to answer him, again, but we got interupted and never got a chance to finish our conversation. We have to keep such conversations on the down-low because the staff doesn't know he's thinking of leaving. Since summer staff has been there, well, all summer, it is hard to find time to talk because there is usually someone around that doesn't need to hear the conversation or D is so busy he doesn't have time.

Anyhoo- now the anxiety sets in for me because of money and benefits. Do I follow my dream and switch to a fulfilling job with lower pay and no benefits, or do I stay at a job I loathe, working for a company that doesn't share my values; a company that is so big that I am merely a number; a company that doesn't look at knowledge and capabilities when making staff cuts but examines the bottom line to make sure productivity goals are met? The work is no longer challenging. I'm rarely busy all day. I can't stand sitting here with nothing to do when I could be baking something or at least cleaning my house!

I'm sure I'm jumping the gun. I'm sure D was just making conversation and trying to show an interest in me on a more personal level. He's thoughtful like that. Even if he did have something going it will be months, at least, before he is able and ready to make his move so I won't have to quit the Day Job right away. He has financial considerations as well, which are compounded by a child in college and a 2nd one who'll be in college in 2 years.

I didn't say anything to the husband about my brief conversation with D. We're already slightly stressed by the prospect of finishing the work on the house, making plans to build a new house in the near future and GULP, talking about having a baby. See why I'm torn? I'll take a big pay cut. I know I will. But I'll also be working closer to home (10 minute drive instead of 20 or 25 minutes. Not much, but still.) and should, theoretically, be much MUCH happier. Now I have to drag myself out of bed to go to the Day Job. I drag myself home at the end of the day, disgruntled and emotionally drained. Tired from boredom -how is that possible? There will be added stress from the decreased income. And if we have a baby that will put a tighter strain on the budget. The little buggers cost a lot of money and take up a hell of a lot of space for only being 20 inches long and about 7 pounds when they start out.

I emailed D so he could have my updated address and also to find out if I'm working for him this weekend. I hope not as I'd like to get a lot more work done on the house. Maybe he'll tell me some good news in his email...if he ever answers me.....