Good news!

I'm done with school! I'm done with school. For now. I don't know how to approach the topic of furthering my education even further with the husband. I had a very profound thought last night after researching CPC certification on the internet. Why do I have this need to constantly attain/acheive/earn things? I mean, I'm not a very competitive person. I don't feel I have to prove myself to anyone, yet I have this urge to get a bachelor degree or become ACF certified. But why? Do I have a sub-concious inferiority complex? I know I am smart and talented. My job doesn't define me as a person. Will the degree or certification really help me? I don't know.

So, I'm done with school and thinking about going on. I must be crazy. I just hope I can finish the second half faster than I did the first half.

Here's some not so good news: the blueberry pie was blah. It wasn't bad, it was blah. Not nearly enough sugar. The crust was ok but needs a pinch of sugar or more salt and the filling most definitely requires additional sugar. But it looked fab. Really, that's probably the prettiest 2-crust pie I've ever made. D asked me to crimp pies 1 time and never asked again. I don't have the knack yet.

I found my thrill....

...in blueberry pie

Isn't it gorgeous? I haven't tried any yet as it was still boiling hot last night when I went to bed. The Boy was mad that he has to wait until tonight to have a piece. He also thought we needed vanilla ice cream to make it perfect and to emulate Violet Beauregard's gum chewing experience in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I don't care to turn purple and blow up to 10x my current size but I'm all for the pie and ice cream part of it.

I had more blueberries than pie pan so the extra filling is in the fridge, waiting to transform into mini tarts tonight. I was going to make them last night but I ran out of time and butter. The only butter I have on hand was still frozen- in 1 pound blocks, no less- so I postponed tart production until tonight.

The Husband is less than thrilled about my current culinary undertakings as he despises blueberries. I reminded him that he got chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese frosting AND triple threat brownies (brownies w/chocolate chips and rich fudgy icing) AND strawberry shortcake from Grandma AND devil bars (a.k.a. 7 layer bars, magic layer bars, hello dollys and myriad other names) all in one weekend. He has no reason to grouse, though he did complain that he only got two cupcakes because I brought the rest to work so I wouldn't eat them. Poor baby. He is so neglected.

More randomness

My dog is insane. You can see evidence of this in the picture. She wouldn't stay still so I could take a decent picture. She kept running around the living room. Then she'd roll on her back and grovel. I'd pat the couch so she'd jump up there but she wouldn't pose, or even sit still for more than two seconds. It is too much to ask, or even expect, a terrier to pose. I should know better.

ZZZZZZZZ

Another boring day....I sit here and think about all the things I could and should be doing: exercising, baking, cleaning. And none of it gets done because I'm WORKING. Or at least I'm pretending that I'm working. I'm really surfing the internet and daydreaming about the things I'd rather be doing.

Still no grade for my last class. I might explode from my impatience. He's been back to work for 3 days now. What is taking so long!?!? I can't make any decisions about getting a B.S. until I know I'm done with my A.A.S. The husband will probably want to throttle me when I tell him I want to start school again. Do I let the company pay for it and essentially sell my soul to the devil or do I pay for it out my own pocket? Can I handle more involved coursework while working full time, and part time and working on the house? Can I handle that coursework while pregnant, recovering from delivery and caring for new born? Should the rabbit get the Trix?

Sigh. Sometimes I get tired of being a grownup. I want to go back to kindergarten for coloring, story time and nap time. That's the life.

New and improved

I think it looks better! I'd like to post more pictures on the actual site, but obviously Blogger isn't set up for that. Maybe I'll set up a flickr account? At least I can add pics to each post.

Career aspirations and desperation

I think D has something in the works with his business but I'm not sure. Last night he asked me how the Day Job is treating me and I said "Eh, it's there. It pays the bills." He knows I'm not happy being a desk jockey and that I really want to be in the kitchen, so I think he was testing the waters to see if I'm ready to take the plunge. Then he asked about the husband's job, where he works, is it full time. The poor thing has asked me that at least twice already. I started to answer him, again, but we got interupted and never got a chance to finish our conversation. We have to keep such conversations on the down-low because the staff doesn't know he's thinking of leaving. Since summer staff has been there, well, all summer, it is hard to find time to talk because there is usually someone around that doesn't need to hear the conversation or D is so busy he doesn't have time.

Anyhoo- now the anxiety sets in for me because of money and benefits. Do I follow my dream and switch to a fulfilling job with lower pay and no benefits, or do I stay at a job I loathe, working for a company that doesn't share my values; a company that is so big that I am merely a number; a company that doesn't look at knowledge and capabilities when making staff cuts but examines the bottom line to make sure productivity goals are met? The work is no longer challenging. I'm rarely busy all day. I can't stand sitting here with nothing to do when I could be baking something or at least cleaning my house!

I'm sure I'm jumping the gun. I'm sure D was just making conversation and trying to show an interest in me on a more personal level. He's thoughtful like that. Even if he did have something going it will be months, at least, before he is able and ready to make his move so I won't have to quit the Day Job right away. He has financial considerations as well, which are compounded by a child in college and a 2nd one who'll be in college in 2 years.

I didn't say anything to the husband about my brief conversation with D. We're already slightly stressed by the prospect of finishing the work on the house, making plans to build a new house in the near future and GULP, talking about having a baby. See why I'm torn? I'll take a big pay cut. I know I will. But I'll also be working closer to home (10 minute drive instead of 20 or 25 minutes. Not much, but still.) and should, theoretically, be much MUCH happier. Now I have to drag myself out of bed to go to the Day Job. I drag myself home at the end of the day, disgruntled and emotionally drained. Tired from boredom -how is that possible? There will be added stress from the decreased income. And if we have a baby that will put a tighter strain on the budget. The little buggers cost a lot of money and take up a hell of a lot of space for only being 20 inches long and about 7 pounds when they start out.

I emailed D so he could have my updated address and also to find out if I'm working for him this weekend. I hope not as I'd like to get a lot more work done on the house. Maybe he'll tell me some good news in his email...if he ever answers me.....

Life

Yeah I might be defeated
and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead
No,
'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain- JoDee Mecina

Just when you think nothing good will happen in your life, it does. Just when you think nothing bad could happen it does. I had both in a day's time.

My boss at my part time job shared his goal with me, and told me that he wants me to be a part of his business venture. I was flabbergasted, thrilled, and flattered all at the same time. He and my other co-workers, and the entire facility, really, have been a blessing to me. I love working there and find that I am a different person- a better person- when I am there. The atmosphere is more positive. The passion the employees have for their work is evident. No one's slogging through their day wishing it were over. They are there to make a difference, to serve the Lord, and it is good work.

The only caveat to this potential opportunity is that's all it is- potential. He wants to make it happen, he's just not sure when it will happen but he knows he wants me along for the ride. And I want to be there. So now we're both praying for guidance, discussing things with our respective spouses, and waiting to see what happens next. It is exciting and irritating at the same time.

It's almost like the bad times circle round
A couple drops and they all start falling down

A co-worker and dear friend had been experiencing bad headaches for several months. I've known her about a year and a half and she's had them at least that long if not longer. Last fall she got pregnant unexpectedly and got married on the sly. She came back, announced her marriage and pregnancy to the rest of her co-workers and life went on. She had terrible morning sickness that never passed- she was sick the entire pregnancy until her doctor finally told her to stop working and stay home. She did, and in March she delivered a beatiful, healthy baby girl.

Monday night thisdear friend had a brain aneursym- she had 2 but only one let loose (I don't know the proper term, forgive me). I found out via email Tuesday and was immediately devastated. Thankfully, wonderfully, she survived a 9hr surgery on Tuesday afternoon and came out of a come on her own yesterday, flailing and struggling to remove the breathing tube. I'm fairly certain she was also swinging and swearing which are two reasons I adore her. She's talking, knows faces, names and relationships and can do almost any task she's given. She remembers me even though we haven't talked for several weeks and don't see each other on a regular basis. But she thinks she's just delivered her daughter and is still in the hospital recovering from the birth. She doesn't realize she was out for 2 days and the baby is 5 weeks old. She doesn't realize she is in a downtown Chicago hospital and keeps using her OBGYN's name when referring to her current doctors.

She went through so much with the headaches and the pregnancy that I just couldn't believe she'd been dealt another crappy hand. Times like this really put things into perspective. I was emotionally drained Tuesday and had to ream my son out over his failing math grade. I just didn't want any more upheaval but I had to deal with it.

Life is too short. I don't want to miss out on the things I really want to do because I may not be around long enough to get them all done. I don't want to piss away my life at a job I hate. I don't want to commit to activities and outings that bring joy instead of dread. I don't want to put off dates with my mom, sister or friends because I'm 'too busy'. Pretty soon I'll 'too busy' myself right out of their lives and have no one around. Too often I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions, and none of them are the way I want to go. It is time to take a stand and to take charge of my life, in a manner of speaking, so that I don't spend my last years saying 'what if'.

Call your mom. Hug your kids. Pet the dog. They'll be gone before you know it.
j

Randomness

I have a million thoughts running through my head and no one to share them with so the blog gets it. Not that this is much of a blog, but at least it is a way for me to vent.

So. I have an interview tonight. I am calm for now but the nerves will start to kick in around 3:30. I have no idea how I am going to tell the boss. That is, of course, assuming that I get the job. I can't imagine a 5 minute commute to work. I could walk. WALK to work. Or bike. There are two buildings and I don't know which I would be in, so walking may not be an option but it is nice to think about. If I'm in the building closest to my house I will TOTALLY walk or bike, but if it is the one across the highway I probably won't. Too many semis and crazy people for me to brave it.

An old friend died on Monday. I don't mean old as in I've known him a long time, but old as in he was in his late 60's and ill. He had emphysema and I'd heard that he wasn't doing well but did I take the time to call? No. I could have made him his favorite chocolate pie and spent an afternoon with him to make the time go more quickly. But no. I'm too busy. Too much to do, don't feel like doing it, I just can't spare the time. And now he's gone and I don't get a second chance to be a friend. I can't tell you how shitty that feels.

Thank goodness the co-worker's husband brought in donuts. Nothing like fat and sugar to melt away the pain. I don't want to be here after Friday. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to deal with all the shit that I'll have to deal with once she's gone. This whole thing has been handled HORRIBLY and the boss is oblivious. I think he thinks everyone is just going to step up and pitch in and everything will be grand. Delusional, I tell you.

Life is too damn short. I'm going to contact my friend Irene whom I haven't spoken to in quite some time. I think of her every so often and wonder how she is. I hope the kids haven't filled her yard with grandkids. Kevin is 13 or 14 which makes Mary 15 or so, maybe 16. I think Johnny is 20 and Nekki has to be 23. Yikes. It has been way too long. I hate how people drift out of your life. People that you love and think you'll always know and talk to, yet somehow you lose touch. You don't call as often, you don't get together and eventually you don't talk at all. It sucks.

I ran my idea about small-scale catering past Dan and thought it was a viable business . I definitely think it is a niche market and I'd love to get it rolling. I guess I can start with a business plan so I've got it going in case I get the capital to make it happen. The little shop on the south end of town would be perfect. I could start out with just catering and expand to a bake shop and maybe even serve lunch. Or maybe just stay with the catering and baking. I think trying to run a lunch parlor would be too much.

And that's all I have to say for now. There could be more later.

Mmmm, pumpkin goodness and other things

I made the pumpkin version of gooey butter cake over the weekend and I am soooo very glad I did. I love the original with just cream cheese, but this is phenomenal. Rich, pumpkin-y and creamy. Thank you, Paula Deen, for sharing this with the world! I have to try to the chocolate kind next. The pineapple is fabulous too- I wasn't sure how that would taste but is to die for. I won't be trying the banana version. That just doesn't sound too appealing.

Last night I made pork chops in the oven (snoooooze, I'd much rather grill!) and was successful. I breaded some of them with my own concoction of bread crumbs, oregano, basil, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Some got a generous dusting of cajun seasoning and the rest were plain. Both seasoned versions were a hit with my fiance', a.k.a. Big 'Un, and his sidekick. The Sidekick came over to help with the newest fish tank and stayed for supper. I also made oven roasted potatoes but they were mediocre. I don't know why I can't get those right. I partially baked spuds in the micro then cubed them and tossed with olive oil, s&p and LOTS of fresh garlic. I LOVE GARLIC. Then I threw them in the oven with the chops. I think I cooked them too long in the micro and the end result was some rather dry, rather bland potatoes. I'll have to try again.

Dessert was easy because I was pressed for time and- gasp!- out of butter. A tragedy, for sure. Cookies made from a chocolate cake mix with white chocolate chips mixed in. They were ok, a little over baked but better than nothing.

The job hunt continues. I submitted a resume for a CSR position so now the wait begins. I HATE applying to blind ads but I'm running out of options at this point. Of course I'd much prefer a foodservice job but I have to take benefits into account. I don't want to go even a week w/o health insurance because I know that's the week we'll have medical catastrophes. That's just the way my life works.